Thanksreceiving

I did my usual rounds for the holiday, and I should note here that so many of you kept the true spirit of the holiday in mind taking time out of your doubtlessly busy schedules to personally thank me for being the shining light in your lives that I am. I want you to know that I received your thanks with all the grace and humility that you know to be an intrinsic part of my very being. I also want to specifically commend those few who took the added time to tell me about how all the rest of you are lacking in their appreciation of me. In the spirit of the holidays I will in no way condemn those meager and altogether lesser minds. Its not as if I can really expect everyone to recognize what a treasure I truly am or for that matter memorize every word I have ever written. Oftentimes I forget that my mental acuity is a blessing not shared by anyone else, and I hope that you, dear reader, can understand how difficult it is to imagine what it must be like to be you. Probably imagining what your existence is like, is like you imagining what your own existence is like, but without an arm, except if that arm always had the correct answer to every question, and also gave you the ability to fly.

I was a little bit saddened that I could not see you all, but I suppose the future solution is to hold some kind of court where visitors can be shown in, present their gifts, kiss my ring, and be hurried along. At any rate, those I did see, warmed my heart and made me regret that it will be too long until I see you again. There is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about.

I was quite disappointed to see LSU fall again in gladiatorial contest. The team I saw perform had no right to their national placing. I believe their coach purposefully failed them as a reprisal for his inability to secure any automotive dealership sponsorship deals. But then again, would you purchase a vehicle sold on the guarantee of Les Miles?

Wurstfest

I recently headed over to New Braunfels with the Riche'''''s--I don't really know how many apostrophe's are in their name, so I just put a bunch in there, but they should in no way take that as any disrespect, because spelling is just not one of my strong points. Anyway, you might think a ten day sausage festival isn't exactly the type of refined event which I would attend, but Mr. Riche' assured me I would both enjoy the event, and not be subjected to the type of endless low-brow man-jokes one might typically assume was the key feature of such an event. He is such a gentleman.

And there was much more to the event than just eating sausage. There were arts and crafts, dance contests, and live music. It was quite a privilege to be steered through the event by an old hand like Mr. Riche' and as enjoyable as it was, I can't imagine what it would have been like without him.

So I guess I can cross item 273 off my list: attend a sausage festival.

First Thing

Do exactly as I tell you. Click on this link and leave a comment of congratulations and adulation for the happy couple. Or you could call them. That is also still acceptable. You could also send them a florid letter. Or even send your man servant cross country bearing some kind of gift, and of course tidings of good will and celebration. All those things are still looked upon favorably. Animal sacrifice to Hathor pagan goddess of pregnancy has fallen out of favor. I mean, if that's your way, go ahead, but I wouldn't be broadcasting it. I would keep that little ritual to yourself. Its the digital age now, after all. We've got things they don't even have gods for. They aren't just making up gods anymore after all. Most people are pretty settled on one.

Its just so exciting to know there will be a littler version of someone I know out there. And not just someone, but someone good and decent. I mean, I've probably talked at least a whole hour to one of them. That's at least enough time for me to have been a dramatic influence on their lives. You can tell where this is going. They'll probably regale this precious child with stories of me, sharing my philosophies and insights that touched them most, and probably before she can even conceive that people have a place in this world, she'll be well on her way to her rightful destiny as a great and learned member of what may very well be my benevolent monarchy. I don't know. It could be malevolent. I haven't really decided what will be necessary. The important thing is that she will be a beautiful child brought up in a beautiful world, by beautiful parents, everything all the more beautiful because of my presence.

Isn't life just wonderful? Of course it is.

Treat

Oh, dear, the phone has been absolutely vibrating off the desk. I let slip one little detail of my privileged life in my journal, and suddenly major news organizations are harassing me for details to elaborate on their breaking news. I can't possibly answer all the inquiries, so I'll just say it here: if she can't be bothered to make millions off of it, then I can't be bothered to violate her trust in me. Of course, I can't speak for the other six, but I already feel absolutely horrible that I may have overstepped the bounds of modesty just by sharing the fact that of course she would continue writing for people like me.

In other news, my Halloween costume went over like gangbusters. There was a small glitch when after perhaps a few too many drinks I decided it would be funny to scream loudly "UFO's do not exist" and then punch out someone I was certain was dressed as Dennis Kucinich, but turned out to be a young child dressed as an elf, which I only discovered after searching the lifeless body for a pocket copy of the constitution, failing to find it, and screaming "Unauthentic!" while his horrified parents begged for mercy. I'm just going to come right out and take all the blame for that one. I really don't know what came over me, except to say that in my head, it was exactly the sort of surreal frightening experience that will make this year's Halloween memorable. So, in a way, I should also take all the credit for it. You are welcome.

When I finally alighted home, I was in no mood to hear from my man servant that attendance at my door had been low. Previously, I had planned to serve cake to deserving visitors, but my man servant felt that traditional candy was more in order. I instructed him to spare no expense and that I wanted to hand out skittles and starbursts, favorites of my childhood. Although the appeal of full sized packages can not be denied, he assured me that I was much better off buying 5lb bags of miniatures and just handing out more. Well, given the low turn out, now I have my body weight in candy barely contained in a trash receptacle purchased expressly for the purpose.