First Thing

Do exactly as I tell you. Click on this link and leave a comment of congratulations and adulation for the happy couple. Or you could call them. That is also still acceptable. You could also send them a florid letter. Or even send your man servant cross country bearing some kind of gift, and of course tidings of good will and celebration. All those things are still looked upon favorably. Animal sacrifice to Hathor pagan goddess of pregnancy has fallen out of favor. I mean, if that's your way, go ahead, but I wouldn't be broadcasting it. I would keep that little ritual to yourself. Its the digital age now, after all. We've got things they don't even have gods for. They aren't just making up gods anymore after all. Most people are pretty settled on one.

Its just so exciting to know there will be a littler version of someone I know out there. And not just someone, but someone good and decent. I mean, I've probably talked at least a whole hour to one of them. That's at least enough time for me to have been a dramatic influence on their lives. You can tell where this is going. They'll probably regale this precious child with stories of me, sharing my philosophies and insights that touched them most, and probably before she can even conceive that people have a place in this world, she'll be well on her way to her rightful destiny as a great and learned member of what may very well be my benevolent monarchy. I don't know. It could be malevolent. I haven't really decided what will be necessary. The important thing is that she will be a beautiful child brought up in a beautiful world, by beautiful parents, everything all the more beautiful because of my presence.

Isn't life just wonderful? Of course it is.